I was aghast at plumbing through depths of emotional angst at a spa. A spa, for heaven’s sake! What ever happened to good old-fashioned, shallow self-indulgence?
In my desperate attempts to divert my tortured state of mind, I have been indulging in several futile exercises. After swimming, the latest one was body spa. I had heard and read how wonderful it felt and how it had a unique way of making you feel good about your body. Yes, that was quite true. What I didn't read, however, was that there was no body spa that had a similar effect on the mind.
But let me honestly admit, my senses did feel pampered at that point of time. I opted for an aura massage – a combination of Thai, Swedish and Hawaiian massage techniques – to make dent in to my fiercely protected emotional baggage and an almond and saffron facial since it sounded quite exotic. For a while I floated off to the mountains, the place of floating wisps of clouds where everything smelt of hibiscus and lavender oil. The oil that trickled down my back felt like snowflakes and it had the warm fuzzy after-effects. The fabulous head and feet massage that the ultimate effect on my jaded soul.
At the end of the two and half hour session, I finally forced myself to believe that I felt greatly relaxed and had a silly smile on my face as I walked back.
But all this was so shortlived that I couldnt help feeling stupid at my brazenly shameless levels of self-indulgence. For the rest of evening I cried. My soul ached for a spa - a supremely exotic one!
I wish I never went for a body spa...atleast I could imagine that there were, perhaps, few things in life that could make me a feel a little nice.
As I write now, I can just see letters swim into each other and memories colliding together to form a dark inky mass of vapour that hangs over my head.
I looked at my fast bloating figure in the long mirror....which was another grave mistake of the day.
I have decided to skip dinner.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Floating moods
Swimming pools and clouds are the latest interests of my life. It’s perhaps one of the most de-stressing experiences to float in the waters and simply watch the silvery wisps of clouds glide past one another like wafting confetti. Or watch the reflection of the monsoon clouds change their moods in the transparent pool water. It reminds me of quiet melancholic laidback evenings when like the changing patterns of the clouds, my moods would go through the twists and turns, experience ecstasy like lightning flashes and droop back to the forlorn alleys of the past.
Right now, my greatest joy is to idle in the waters and enjoy the exquisite solitary moments to reflect on. So on a Sunday morning, I was jealously guarding those pages of memories from washing out of my mind and enjoying a float. I spread my arms in the water and watched the vapours of clouds glide dreamily on pale heights behind the hills like melancholy hermits. Whenever I moved my head above the water, I saw those torn shreds of black clouds, the eternal symbols of all voyaging, all yearning for home and heard the noises of work and everyday activity rise up mingling together. I felt the painful struggle for life and isolation from the world outside. I wish I was a cloud - go through life like a cloud, wandering everywhere like a stranger, floating between time and eternity.
Right now, my greatest joy is to idle in the waters and enjoy the exquisite solitary moments to reflect on. So on a Sunday morning, I was jealously guarding those pages of memories from washing out of my mind and enjoying a float. I spread my arms in the water and watched the vapours of clouds glide dreamily on pale heights behind the hills like melancholy hermits. Whenever I moved my head above the water, I saw those torn shreds of black clouds, the eternal symbols of all voyaging, all yearning for home and heard the noises of work and everyday activity rise up mingling together. I felt the painful struggle for life and isolation from the world outside. I wish I was a cloud - go through life like a cloud, wandering everywhere like a stranger, floating between time and eternity.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I am stuck in such a strange quagmire of existence that even starting a blog seemed like a great effort. I am living in an organised disorder of intense emotions. At times I am overwhelmed by an undefinable loneliness and gloom that by now, I have become accustomed to like a trusted friend and less of a torment.
My mornings smell of despair and nights bring in memories that float up like phantoms. I don't remember days when I've woken up to a sense of well-being. And now I am reduced to a helpless victim of fits of melancholy. Years of non-creative existence, a dusty mind with overbearing unfulfilled desires and wasted emotions have paralysed me.
You feel that time heals all pain. I think anyone who has had a close encounter with death or has seen sufferring closely, will know that it is something that stays with you forever. I have seen the death bird silently pecking away the last bits of life. The helpless feeling of watching your loved ones fade away with time is frighteningly painful! The eyes that once looked at you lovingly getting disintegrated, the lifeless pale hands that once held you through the tides of life or the resounding sounds of laughter that has now become just a faint distant murmur in the pages of memory! It's surely not easy on the heart. It's like living in a house knowing well that one day an earthquake will crumble it into pieces without leaving any semblance of its existence.
Yes, life does continue despite the discontinuities surrounding it. And there are times when you laugh, enjoy the quick moments of ecstasy and listen to songs that once played through the days when you were a six-year-old. And then again you smile, may be it was an old joke you shared...you want to smile again. But you can't!
My mornings smell of despair and nights bring in memories that float up like phantoms. I don't remember days when I've woken up to a sense of well-being. And now I am reduced to a helpless victim of fits of melancholy. Years of non-creative existence, a dusty mind with overbearing unfulfilled desires and wasted emotions have paralysed me.
You feel that time heals all pain. I think anyone who has had a close encounter with death or has seen sufferring closely, will know that it is something that stays with you forever. I have seen the death bird silently pecking away the last bits of life. The helpless feeling of watching your loved ones fade away with time is frighteningly painful! The eyes that once looked at you lovingly getting disintegrated, the lifeless pale hands that once held you through the tides of life or the resounding sounds of laughter that has now become just a faint distant murmur in the pages of memory! It's surely not easy on the heart. It's like living in a house knowing well that one day an earthquake will crumble it into pieces without leaving any semblance of its existence.
Yes, life does continue despite the discontinuities surrounding it. And there are times when you laugh, enjoy the quick moments of ecstasy and listen to songs that once played through the days when you were a six-year-old. And then again you smile, may be it was an old joke you shared...you want to smile again. But you can't!